Confessions of a Repenter

I get frustrated a lot. Because this is my reality.....

I'm a perfectionist with legalistic tendencies. I'm an over-analytical thinker and an introverted drama king. Ah yes, it is true. I'm a mess. I hold my soul up to the mirror and shudder. It is so easy for me to dwell on all that I've done wrong. And it is so easy for me to sink into the pit of self-pity and despair. Then as the waves of pity and condemnation roll over top my head my flesh steps into overdrive. With calls to try harder, to be more perfect, to earn my righteousness. And so I give myself to this pursuit in hopes that my God will see my efforts and declare me worthy of love and grace. And I end up right where I started. It is INSANITY! Absolute FOOLISHNESS!

Yet time and time again I find myself in this place. And to be quite honest, I believe many are in this same cyclical struggle. But a lot of people lie to themselves too. Put on that happy face and pretend like life is a bunch of peaches on a warm sunny day. I'd be a liar to say I don't find myself there from time to time. It's self-deception at best and hypocrisy at its worst. So where are you REALLY at?

Maybe you don't struggle with this self-righteous, praise-of-man pride. But I have an inkling you do. Why don't we just be honest. Right now. Be honest. It's taken me years to get to this place where I can be honest in this area. Years to say to a God who already knows everything, "God, I struggle to trust in your grace and I try to earn my own righteousness." But you know, there is freedom in confessing that. And continuing to confess it......

But what do you do after you confess it? Well, some confess and then they continue to live hoping against some hope that the problem will fix itself but knowing in reality it won't. I was there once. Talk about misery. It's so easy to get this fatalistic attitude about this too. When you struggle with something for so long, it is easy to be a victim and lay over and die.

"Awake O Sleeper and rise and let Christ shine on you!" This is my hope. And it is found in who we are in Christ. It is founded in Truth, the Truth of God's Word. Yes, I'm sure you've heard this before. If you grew up in the church I can almost guarantee it. But the reality is, too often we simply hear the Word and speak the Word but we don't DO the Word.

I'm not just talking about serving and obey in an outward way. I'm speaking of a deeper reality of DOING the Word that begins in the depths of your soul. It is taking the Truth of Scripture and meditating on it, wrestling with it, praying through it and continuing in this for days, weeks, months until it changes you. It's having the attitude of Jacob and saying, "I won't let go until you bless me." It's pouring out your heart to God saying, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." It's falling on your knees, confessing your unbelief and crying out, "Have mercy on me, God, a sinner!"

Are you willing to do this? Are you tired of living in bondage to lies while knowing that freedom is offered to you in Christ? Then in the name of Christ, be free! "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling" But don't you dare try to do it apart from Christ. Your righteousness will continue to be nothing but "filthy rags" if you do. Recognize your dependence on the grace of Christ, get on your knees and humble yourself. Open the Word and dwell on His truth. And wrestle. fight. beg. And don't give up.

And watch as God astounds you.

You can try to brace yourself for it, but I wouldn't bother. The overwhelming reality of His grace and love will rush over you and you WILL be changed. No quick fixes, but growth will be there. And even more intimacy and passion will be there. A deep, steadfast love for this God who sent His Son to bear the wrath of God in our place. The God who made Him to be sin who knew no sin so that we might become the righteousness of God. The God who is at work in us to both will and work according to His good pleasure. Be astounded for He will do a work in you that you wouldn't believe even if He told you.

I'm preaching to myself here.....What a loving Father we have.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

My own poetic rendition of Psalm 30

Drawn me up, drawn me near
Pulled me close, held me dear
No foes rejoice, nor mockers disdain,
Victory is mine, Your praise to proclaim
In brokenness you healed me
In mourning Your joy it filled me
Raised me from the dead
Paid the ransom on my head
Oh, Restorer of life You came
Your faithfulness I exclaim
Your anger is just but brief
But Your grace will never cease
Though I weep throughout the night
Your joy greets me by morning light
I stand only by Your grace
I'm lost when You hide Your face
To You, O LORD, I cry
Without Your mercy I will surely die
You've heard, LORD, hear again
Help! Rescue me from sin.
In sackcloth I wept and wailed
Now I dance, Your joy prevailed!
My whole being will sing Your praise
Silence will no longer fill my days
Oh YAHWEH, a thankful heart I give
As long as you will let me live

Failure

Often times we don't do what we want to do. We set goals and we fail a lot. I tend to get discouraged after failure and play this act of indifference and apathy. I give up to prevent further failure as if this attitude will protect me from the sting of failure. Actually it just feeds the flesh, the pride, the sin inside of me. I've been so blinded by the lies of the Evil One in this area of my life. Don't try, be safe. That is what is whispered into my ear. And every time I listen to that damnable lie the Spirit is quenched and my passion to love Jesus is squelched. God is so gracious to me in this area of my life though. He reminds me tenderly and firmly of who He is and what He is calling me to do by His grace. And I'm learning, praise God, to not just try, but pour out my heart in the things that I do. Failure will come, but where failure increases, grace abounds all the more (adapted from Ro.5:20) As I live and embrace my weakness, instead of fighting for this unattainable perfectionism, I am freed to grow in grace. I am free to grow in the knowledge of Christ's work on the cross and the power of His resurrection. I am free to draw near to a God who doesn't coldly demand my perfection today, but promises my perfection by His grace, in His timing. And so with that mind may I live, giving myself completely to the pursuit of His glorious face, delighting in Him alone, resting that He will finish the work that He started (Phil. 1:6) To the praise of His glorious grace.

I really desire to write more. I haven't really written in at least six months, if not longer. The drought has been going on for a couple years in all reality. I used to write all the time, pouring out my heart, filling pages upon pages of my laments and musings. It was pretty dark stuff but I am thankful that I was able to get it out. I wrote more when I was depressed and angry, lost and hopeless. Now, two years from my victory over depression and anxiety I struggle to communicate on paper/blogs the cries of my heart. Why is that? Why can't I testify to God's goodness now? I've never known greater joy and hope in the past two years, yet I can't seem to pour that out. Am I afraid to share? Am I too much of a perfectionist, unwilling to write out undeveloped thoughts and poorly formed sentences? I'm tired of being silent. I'm tired of my laziness and lack of desire in regards to my writing. I have a story to tell, by the grace of God, and it is a crime for me to hold inside the marvelous works of my Father. My goal is fixed on disciplining myself to write on this blog at least once a week, if not more. I don't want to care how bad it reads or how confusing it may be. I just want to write and write and write. I want to pour out my heart and put to text the musings of my heart. So, that's what I'm going to try to do.

My Condition (written 8-13-10)

My heart is so callous from sin
My wickedness is before me
I love my own fleshly pleasure
I don't believe

Where is my faith?
Where is a broken-hearted repentance?
I take God's grace for granted
I know I'm guilty yet I persist
I don't love You like I should

Have mercy on me!
Have I sinned too much?
Have I gone too far?
There is no other way
Only grace
I beg You for it

Bring brokenness
Bring hatred for sin
Bring repentance
Bring renewal of joy
Bring strength to fight
Bring You, Jesus
I must have You.

I cannot do this
I've tried
I've failed
You are my only hope.

I need you Jesus
Come to my rescue

I'm not the righteous man
I'm not the spiritual man
I'm a wretched sinner

But you have saved me
Keep saving me, I pray!

Only You can keep me
Only You can protect me
Only You can birth good from this mouth
Only You can form holiness from these hands
Only You

Crush me under the weight of grace
That I may worship You
Not myself any longer
Only You.

Amen

Romans 10:4

"For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes." ~Romans 4:10

It is such a basic truth that Christ fulfilled the law so that our righteousness could be based on him and not our own works. Yet in the midst of the simplicity of His righteousness being placed on us there is overwhelming mystery and even complexity. I tend to get lost in the complexity and miss out on the simple, profound, and life-changing truth that is found in a verse like this.
Simply put: Christ satisfied perfect law following (righteousness) and then placed that on me. Once and for all I am found to be righteous in the sight of God. Many have heard this before, myself included, and are quite flippant in their handling of this truth. Do we truly realize how magnificent this is? I have no clue, honestly. It is so beyond me. But oh, how my heart yearns to know. I long to know the depth of this truth that I might fall on my face and worship a God who sent His Son to die and rise again so that He might be the "just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus." (Ro. 3:26)
Cling to this truth brothers and sisters and when the Devil tempts you to despair, preach this truth to him. "I am righteous in the sight of my Father through Christ. His righteousness covers me!" Stand firmly on this hope and may it be the foundation that you live.
But many pervert this truth and give themselves license to sin. The whole, "I'll ask for forgiveness later". Father forgive us for such wicked thinking. Our condemnation is just. We must not forget that though we are justified (seen as righteous) in the sight of God that doesn't mean that our sinning against God is ignored or simply swept under the rug. God hates our sin and if we refuse to be genuinely repentant when we break the commands of God we are proving in ourselves that we never truly knew Him. (1 Jn. 3:4-9) Be wary of this attitude brothers and sisters. Don't be found wanting when you stand before Christ and He says, "Depart from me, you workers of lawlessness, I never KNEW you."(Matt. 7:23)
I will spend my whole life chewing on this simple yet complex truth and rightly so. I admonish you to do the same. This is my earnest prayer, that our minds and hearts will not become "used to" the reality that we am justified through Christ's fulfillment of the law, His righteousness. May it move us to worship with greater passion day by day as the Spirit reveals more of the Father's glory in this truth.

May the word of Christ dwell in you richly....

The Beginning of the End

May the Word come alive in your heart and mine.