Confessions of a Repenter

I get frustrated a lot. Because this is my reality.....

I'm a perfectionist with legalistic tendencies. I'm an over-analytical thinker and an introverted drama king. Ah yes, it is true. I'm a mess. I hold my soul up to the mirror and shudder. It is so easy for me to dwell on all that I've done wrong. And it is so easy for me to sink into the pit of self-pity and despair. Then as the waves of pity and condemnation roll over top my head my flesh steps into overdrive. With calls to try harder, to be more perfect, to earn my righteousness. And so I give myself to this pursuit in hopes that my God will see my efforts and declare me worthy of love and grace. And I end up right where I started. It is INSANITY! Absolute FOOLISHNESS!

Yet time and time again I find myself in this place. And to be quite honest, I believe many are in this same cyclical struggle. But a lot of people lie to themselves too. Put on that happy face and pretend like life is a bunch of peaches on a warm sunny day. I'd be a liar to say I don't find myself there from time to time. It's self-deception at best and hypocrisy at its worst. So where are you REALLY at?

Maybe you don't struggle with this self-righteous, praise-of-man pride. But I have an inkling you do. Why don't we just be honest. Right now. Be honest. It's taken me years to get to this place where I can be honest in this area. Years to say to a God who already knows everything, "God, I struggle to trust in your grace and I try to earn my own righteousness." But you know, there is freedom in confessing that. And continuing to confess it......

But what do you do after you confess it? Well, some confess and then they continue to live hoping against some hope that the problem will fix itself but knowing in reality it won't. I was there once. Talk about misery. It's so easy to get this fatalistic attitude about this too. When you struggle with something for so long, it is easy to be a victim and lay over and die.

"Awake O Sleeper and rise and let Christ shine on you!" This is my hope. And it is found in who we are in Christ. It is founded in Truth, the Truth of God's Word. Yes, I'm sure you've heard this before. If you grew up in the church I can almost guarantee it. But the reality is, too often we simply hear the Word and speak the Word but we don't DO the Word.

I'm not just talking about serving and obey in an outward way. I'm speaking of a deeper reality of DOING the Word that begins in the depths of your soul. It is taking the Truth of Scripture and meditating on it, wrestling with it, praying through it and continuing in this for days, weeks, months until it changes you. It's having the attitude of Jacob and saying, "I won't let go until you bless me." It's pouring out your heart to God saying, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." It's falling on your knees, confessing your unbelief and crying out, "Have mercy on me, God, a sinner!"

Are you willing to do this? Are you tired of living in bondage to lies while knowing that freedom is offered to you in Christ? Then in the name of Christ, be free! "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling" But don't you dare try to do it apart from Christ. Your righteousness will continue to be nothing but "filthy rags" if you do. Recognize your dependence on the grace of Christ, get on your knees and humble yourself. Open the Word and dwell on His truth. And wrestle. fight. beg. And don't give up.

And watch as God astounds you.

You can try to brace yourself for it, but I wouldn't bother. The overwhelming reality of His grace and love will rush over you and you WILL be changed. No quick fixes, but growth will be there. And even more intimacy and passion will be there. A deep, steadfast love for this God who sent His Son to bear the wrath of God in our place. The God who made Him to be sin who knew no sin so that we might become the righteousness of God. The God who is at work in us to both will and work according to His good pleasure. Be astounded for He will do a work in you that you wouldn't believe even if He told you.

I'm preaching to myself here.....What a loving Father we have.

To the praise of His glorious grace.