Confessions of a Repenter

I get frustrated a lot. Because this is my reality.....

I'm a perfectionist with legalistic tendencies. I'm an over-analytical thinker and an introverted drama king. Ah yes, it is true. I'm a mess. I hold my soul up to the mirror and shudder. It is so easy for me to dwell on all that I've done wrong. And it is so easy for me to sink into the pit of self-pity and despair. Then as the waves of pity and condemnation roll over top my head my flesh steps into overdrive. With calls to try harder, to be more perfect, to earn my righteousness. And so I give myself to this pursuit in hopes that my God will see my efforts and declare me worthy of love and grace. And I end up right where I started. It is INSANITY! Absolute FOOLISHNESS!

Yet time and time again I find myself in this place. And to be quite honest, I believe many are in this same cyclical struggle. But a lot of people lie to themselves too. Put on that happy face and pretend like life is a bunch of peaches on a warm sunny day. I'd be a liar to say I don't find myself there from time to time. It's self-deception at best and hypocrisy at its worst. So where are you REALLY at?

Maybe you don't struggle with this self-righteous, praise-of-man pride. But I have an inkling you do. Why don't we just be honest. Right now. Be honest. It's taken me years to get to this place where I can be honest in this area. Years to say to a God who already knows everything, "God, I struggle to trust in your grace and I try to earn my own righteousness." But you know, there is freedom in confessing that. And continuing to confess it......

But what do you do after you confess it? Well, some confess and then they continue to live hoping against some hope that the problem will fix itself but knowing in reality it won't. I was there once. Talk about misery. It's so easy to get this fatalistic attitude about this too. When you struggle with something for so long, it is easy to be a victim and lay over and die.

"Awake O Sleeper and rise and let Christ shine on you!" This is my hope. And it is found in who we are in Christ. It is founded in Truth, the Truth of God's Word. Yes, I'm sure you've heard this before. If you grew up in the church I can almost guarantee it. But the reality is, too often we simply hear the Word and speak the Word but we don't DO the Word.

I'm not just talking about serving and obey in an outward way. I'm speaking of a deeper reality of DOING the Word that begins in the depths of your soul. It is taking the Truth of Scripture and meditating on it, wrestling with it, praying through it and continuing in this for days, weeks, months until it changes you. It's having the attitude of Jacob and saying, "I won't let go until you bless me." It's pouring out your heart to God saying, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." It's falling on your knees, confessing your unbelief and crying out, "Have mercy on me, God, a sinner!"

Are you willing to do this? Are you tired of living in bondage to lies while knowing that freedom is offered to you in Christ? Then in the name of Christ, be free! "Work out your salvation with fear and trembling" But don't you dare try to do it apart from Christ. Your righteousness will continue to be nothing but "filthy rags" if you do. Recognize your dependence on the grace of Christ, get on your knees and humble yourself. Open the Word and dwell on His truth. And wrestle. fight. beg. And don't give up.

And watch as God astounds you.

You can try to brace yourself for it, but I wouldn't bother. The overwhelming reality of His grace and love will rush over you and you WILL be changed. No quick fixes, but growth will be there. And even more intimacy and passion will be there. A deep, steadfast love for this God who sent His Son to bear the wrath of God in our place. The God who made Him to be sin who knew no sin so that we might become the righteousness of God. The God who is at work in us to both will and work according to His good pleasure. Be astounded for He will do a work in you that you wouldn't believe even if He told you.

I'm preaching to myself here.....What a loving Father we have.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

My own poetic rendition of Psalm 30

Drawn me up, drawn me near
Pulled me close, held me dear
No foes rejoice, nor mockers disdain,
Victory is mine, Your praise to proclaim
In brokenness you healed me
In mourning Your joy it filled me
Raised me from the dead
Paid the ransom on my head
Oh, Restorer of life You came
Your faithfulness I exclaim
Your anger is just but brief
But Your grace will never cease
Though I weep throughout the night
Your joy greets me by morning light
I stand only by Your grace
I'm lost when You hide Your face
To You, O LORD, I cry
Without Your mercy I will surely die
You've heard, LORD, hear again
Help! Rescue me from sin.
In sackcloth I wept and wailed
Now I dance, Your joy prevailed!
My whole being will sing Your praise
Silence will no longer fill my days
Oh YAHWEH, a thankful heart I give
As long as you will let me live

Failure

Often times we don't do what we want to do. We set goals and we fail a lot. I tend to get discouraged after failure and play this act of indifference and apathy. I give up to prevent further failure as if this attitude will protect me from the sting of failure. Actually it just feeds the flesh, the pride, the sin inside of me. I've been so blinded by the lies of the Evil One in this area of my life. Don't try, be safe. That is what is whispered into my ear. And every time I listen to that damnable lie the Spirit is quenched and my passion to love Jesus is squelched. God is so gracious to me in this area of my life though. He reminds me tenderly and firmly of who He is and what He is calling me to do by His grace. And I'm learning, praise God, to not just try, but pour out my heart in the things that I do. Failure will come, but where failure increases, grace abounds all the more (adapted from Ro.5:20) As I live and embrace my weakness, instead of fighting for this unattainable perfectionism, I am freed to grow in grace. I am free to grow in the knowledge of Christ's work on the cross and the power of His resurrection. I am free to draw near to a God who doesn't coldly demand my perfection today, but promises my perfection by His grace, in His timing. And so with that mind may I live, giving myself completely to the pursuit of His glorious face, delighting in Him alone, resting that He will finish the work that He started (Phil. 1:6) To the praise of His glorious grace.

I really desire to write more. I haven't really written in at least six months, if not longer. The drought has been going on for a couple years in all reality. I used to write all the time, pouring out my heart, filling pages upon pages of my laments and musings. It was pretty dark stuff but I am thankful that I was able to get it out. I wrote more when I was depressed and angry, lost and hopeless. Now, two years from my victory over depression and anxiety I struggle to communicate on paper/blogs the cries of my heart. Why is that? Why can't I testify to God's goodness now? I've never known greater joy and hope in the past two years, yet I can't seem to pour that out. Am I afraid to share? Am I too much of a perfectionist, unwilling to write out undeveloped thoughts and poorly formed sentences? I'm tired of being silent. I'm tired of my laziness and lack of desire in regards to my writing. I have a story to tell, by the grace of God, and it is a crime for me to hold inside the marvelous works of my Father. My goal is fixed on disciplining myself to write on this blog at least once a week, if not more. I don't want to care how bad it reads or how confusing it may be. I just want to write and write and write. I want to pour out my heart and put to text the musings of my heart. So, that's what I'm going to try to do.